she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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