she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
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I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
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I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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