Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
