that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It's blow job season.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
