you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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