today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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