how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
