chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
