my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
