May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
