The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
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i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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