Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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