He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
