my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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