Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
