I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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