I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
