I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
