I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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