if you like me you must not know who I am
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Randomize
