i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
