Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
