My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Can I color on your dick again?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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