come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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