god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
