Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
