dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
