I'm so fucking centered right now
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
