I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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