U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
