Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
