Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
