Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
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I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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