I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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