How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think my vagina is haunted
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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