i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
