Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
