i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
