Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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