My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
