got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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