i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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