I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I am available for nakedness
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
