I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
