Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
