good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
