I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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