I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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