4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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