Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
