On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
