I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
