Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
