i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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