You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Such a big mess for such a small penis
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
