you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
