apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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