The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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