I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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