His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
