I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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