fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
