well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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