I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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