i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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