i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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