Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
